see, the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take.

This saturday it's a year since my ex asked me to be 'his'. I think I'll survive. At first I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it and cry all day, but really all in all it's not the abstract thought of what could have been that hurts. It's the absence, missing him, being reminded of him at unforeseen moments. It's not the losing but the being lost. It's knowing I'd get pregnant just to keep him with me. It's knowing that it will not be the same when he comes back because we'll both be different people.
I hate letting go of what we had. This summer was the best I've ever had and not just with him but with everyone. We had big dreams and the world ahead of us. We were all friends, even though we started out being strangers, being opposites. Even though there were times when we fought, when we bitched, when we gossiped... I miss my friends, my class, I miss knowing where everything is through and through. I miss my family. I hate realizing that I'll never live at home for any reasonable amount of time.
I'm on my own now and even though it is exciting and new and even though I really like being alone, it still stinks. Contrary to what I thought would happen, I really just sleep a lot and go to class. I don't really have the energy to do homework, I don't feel like doing anything at all.
I still have a huge attitude and that might be a bit wrong because honestly, I just moved here and I need to make new friends instead of enemies. But that attitude is just a big part of who I am. I criticize peers, professors, books.. and mostly just myself.
I'm not saying I'm super depressed or that I have low self-esteem. In some ways I have, but I'm leaning more towards arrogance than low self-esteem. And it fluctuates, a lot. I can be on top of the world in the afternoon and cry myself to sleep tonight.
I miss my mom. Like a lot. But I'm not gonna tell her because she'll worry. I miss my friends and even though I see all of them a lot, it's just the seeing them daily that's not there. Having someone to hang out with, to be crampy with, to laugh with, to randomly hug. Now it all just feels directed, untrue.
I miss the places we grew up. I miss the beach, our beach. Not the fake one they've got over here.

There are lots of things I don't miss. Lots of people. I love the artistic, intelligent environment over here and I know I will flourish. I know I'll find lots of other friends and I know I'll have the best parties here. I know I'm learning a lot and all. It's just that sometimes it's so hard just to get through the day. I take the subway alone and I sit in my room and make homework and make dinner somewhere in the evening and then maybe I watch TV and go to bed sometime. And when I have time I go out and meet friends, but I'm just super busy and if I go and meet friends it will take me at least an hour.

I wish he would come back. I wanna be with him. I want him to come back and I want things to be like they were. One safe, carefree, endless summer. But the days are getting more grey. The poetry is getting sulky and my body is aching for a friendly touch. Just a hug.

♥, S

(Also I just really miss having sex.)